That's a Boundary

How the things we allow determine the shape of ourselves and what I'm learning from my kids

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Bianca Marais

’s upcoming deep dive on memoir writing! While I’m excited to be leading a panel on writing about hard things, I’m equally thrilled to be learning alongside some of my all-time favorite memoirists. Register here!

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My 7-year-old daughter recently learned a new song in school. And it’s stirring up all kinds of dialogue in our house. Maybe you know it?

If not, you do now. And you’re about to have it seriously stuck in your head, which is maybe not such a bad thing. I don’t know any child - or adult - who isn’t constantly in the process of identifying and setting boundaries. Including myself.

As someone who did not come of age in the boundary-setting era (I consider myself part of an obedient, boundary-ignorant generation), I’m thrilled our kids are being equipped with language at a young age. At 41, I still struggle to verbalize some of the simple phrases in this song: Not for me. I’m uncomfortable. No, thanks.

Just a little of this language would have rewritten difficult moments in my younger life. But it’s never too late to learn.

I’ve written before about perfectionism and people-pleasing, but boundaries are the final part of that three-legged stool. Without boundaries, perfectionism and people-pleasing run amuck and we find ourselves catapulting toward martyrdom, or worse, resentment.

As a former caregiver, this feels especially consequential. It was during the time I was caring for my husband that I learned just how much society loves martyrs and just how much it hates boundaries. It’s no secret that we are a country dependent on the unpaid work of caregivers (please check out

It Doesn't Have to Be This Hard

by my friend Rebecca Gale for a deeper dive). Our healthcare systems depend on it. Our public education institutions depend on it. The words, “This is too much. I’m done,” are enough to bring essential infrastructures to their knees, which explains why boundaries have long been discouraged.

I’ve spent the majority of my adulthood at the intersection of three roles - caregiver, teacher, woman (did I mention oldest daughter?) - which is to say that the bulk of positive feedback I’ve received has been connected to sacrifice, service, and compliance. Like many women, I’ve been trained into a human version of Pavlov’s dogs, getting treats each time I ignore my instinct to speak up or push past my comfort level (here's a classic example from the world of teaching). It’s hard to imagine a world in which reinforcement is acquired through other means: clarity, directness, self-preservation. What I know for sure is that we can never change the world we’re in unless we alter the feedback systems that reward behavior.

Likewise, boundaries will never be issued by invitation. No person or system will ever invite us to take a seat, listen quietly to our gut, and issue proclamations of what’s allowable. We must initiate that process on our own.

As with everything, it all comes back to the brain. Identifying and setting boundaries is about rewiring our neuropathways. It’s about recognizing patterns of behavior and learning to disrupt them.

An example: unlike me, my daughter trends toward introverted. While their friends are hungry for playdate after playdate, Rosie appreciates breaks and long hours of solitude to make art and read books. When I get texts from neighbors asking if Rosie can come over and play, my default setting is, “Sure, I’ll send them right over.” After all, it will make the other children happy!

But the other day, I was gently called in.

“Mom,” Rosie explained. “I had big plans for myself today. I wanted to read my book and finish my animal hospital and that’s what I needed. Why did you say I would go?”

To their credit, Rosie was born with an incredible sense of boundaries. They are masterful at saying, “No, thanks. Not for me,” with a sweet smile and a kind, gentle tone. They understand the math at play: setting a boundary does not equal an unkindness toward someone else. Nor is someone else’s happiness the responsibility of the boundary setter.

This is the math that has long tortured me.

In fact, I spent so much time proactively trying to prevent others’ unhappiness and inconvenience that the voice signaling my own boundaries went quiet along the way. Learning to hear it again has been a great gift of middle age.

Below are the lessons we’ve been exchanging at the dinner table lately. It’s remarkable to watch the four of us alternate between teacher and student on this topic. When it comes to naming and establishing boundaries, this new generation has a thing or two to teach us.

Boundaries aren’t just for keeping some things out. They’re also for keeping things in. It’s common to frame things in the negative: No toxic relationships. No working on weekends. But boundaries are also about protecting the things we need more of (aka time, money, quiet). Thinking about it in these terms has allowed me ask, “What do I need to be of better service to myself?” Again, it’s not about denying others. It’s about preserving our best self.

Have the language ready to go. Without a phrase or two to keep in our back pockets, it’s incredibly easy to let our default wiring take over. Kami Orange is a professional boundary coach with a fantastic TikTok and a new book of boundary phrases. Gifting this one to myself. Here’s a preview:

@kami_orangeBoundary Phrase: I am not upset at YOU but I am upset at this situation.#boundarycoach #saythething #boundarysetting #kamiorange

Tiktok failed to load.

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Don’t expect other people to cheer for your boundaries. Navigating the transformation from boundary-less to boundary-forward is tricky. It’s a process that’s sure to turn a few (disgruntled) heads. Our brains love patterns, which is why they are masterful predictors of behavior. When we start suddenly enforcing boundaries, it forces others to revise their expectations of us. Change is hard for people, so expect some pushback and even tension. The key is remembering the math: our boundaries ≠ others’ unhappiness.

Boundaries are how we find the shape of ourselves. In essence, boundaries are the outer edges of our personalities. They determine what we let in and what we keep out. Of course, none of us come with a warning label that indicates to others what we’re OK with. Sometimes we don’t recognize a boundary until it’s been violated. Remember that our boundaries will evolve as we do and it’s no one’s job but our own to communicate them to others.

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This Week’s (Optional) Homework:

Try writing a few boundary phrases. Say them aloud. Do they feel true? If not, what’s preventing them from being true? Often specificity is the missing ingredient in defining boundaries. For example, “I won’t work too hard,” is a weak boundary. What is working too hard? Sending emails after dinner? Taking on tasks outside the scope of your role? Once you define what isn’t sitting well, you can revise your boundary statement to reflect what you choose instead. Here are a few examples:

I am a person who makes space for quiet thinking.

I am a person who ends my work at 6pm.

I am a person who gives my most attentive energy to my family.

… and here are a few boundaries I’m focused on enforcing:

1. I give my best hours (morning) to my writing.

2. I respond to emails during specific blocks of time.

3. I do not finish books I’m not connecting with.

4. I’m not adding anything new to my calendar in May.

That last one is pretty darn specific and it’s going to be a doozy to commit to, but I’ve overextended myself in recent months and I need some time for quiet and early bedtimes. Will report back in June. In the meantime, I’d love to know what boundaries you’re enforcing these days.