Please Yourself First
Lessons in speaking up before you swallow yourself whole
What’s great about having a Substack devoted solely to learning is that there is ALWAYS something current and urgent to write about because we are all learning all the time.
What’s also great is that it’s teaching me to examine life through the lens of a classroom. From this perspective, I can view my life as a laboratory for learning, depersonalizing and removing judgment from my experiences, and observing with clarity the lessons I’m being challenged by as they unfold in real time.
An example: I was recently venting to my husband about a few small issues on which I’ve been keeping my true feelings silent. As a recovering people-pleaser, I’m aware of an important pattern: When asked to do something, I almost always offer an immediate “yes”, when in the back of my mind, I know I need more time before making a decision. This has been my process for years: Say yes, then live on borrowed time hoping to reverse course.
I can speak from experience: it’s not a great way to do things (for me nor those I make half-hearted commitments to). Every time we try to silence a knowing, regardless of its size or significance, our bodies register that betrayal. In those moments of withholding, I can feel the words trapped in my throat, growing larger as they remain unspoken. The larger self-betrayals register on an even larger scale: insomnia, anxiety, depression.
By now, I’m sure most folks are familiar with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s work, THE BODY KEEPS SCORE (and if not, then you’re about to have your world rocked!). The impact of trauma on the body and brain is fascinating, and it makes a lot of sense.
But it’s helpful to think about this work on a micro-scale as well: the small inconsistencies between our inner selves and outer selves also bear consequences worth examining.
Martha Beck writes about this integration between inner and outer selves in her book, THE WAY OF INTEGRITY, and I often find myself referring to her working definition of integrity as I consider how to bring myself into alignment.
“To be in integrity is to be one thing, whole and undivided. When a plane is in integrity, all its millions of parts work together smoothly and cooperatively. If it loses integrity, it may stall, falter, or crash. There’s no judgment here. Just physics.”
(You can read more from Martha’s inspiring book here.)
Over time, I’ve developed a lot of awareness of my people-pleasing habits, particularly my tendency to say “yes” when I really mean “maybe,” or sometimes just “no.” But I haven’t quite broken the habit.
“This is it,” I told my husband the other night. “The lesson I’m supposed to learn right now is how to speak up in the moment.”
He listened (patiently), encouraged me to let go of any anger at myself for not having kicked this habit entirely, then assured me I would get at least a thousand more chances to speak up for myself. As usual, he was right.
Within the last 24 hours, I’ve been able to assert myself on three different matters that were clogging up my throat. And in every situation, it fostered healthy, safe dialogue after which I felt much better.
The fear in speaking up, of course, is that our honesty will cost us love. If we say how we feel, we risk being perceived as uncompliant, difficult, inconvenient, and most importantly, unlovable. When we silence ourselves, we empower our fear, not our gut, which is trying so hard to show us the way.
Rational thinking only goes so far in learning how to please ourselves first. It’s not enough to simply tell ourselves, “Hey, I’m lovable! Those fears are stupid and unfounded.” Instead, I lean on two very tangible strategies to help me rewire my thinking:
Ask, “How would I respond on the other side of this conversation?” When I imagine myself through the perspective of the person hearing my truth, I see how modest and inoffensive my feelings/requests are. I can hear myself saying back, “Are you kidding? No big deal. I totally understand.” And if that’s how I’d respond, I have to believe others are likely to do the same.
Have some language handy. In 100% of cases in which I don’t have a simple go-to response, I will default to saying “yes.” Here are the words I’m reaching for these days: Can I have some time to think about this? I’m not sure I can commit to that right now. I’ll have to get back to you.
Such simple language, I know. But for years, I found it nearly impossible to form my mouth around them.
Learning to please ourselves first is a particularly hard task for folks who share certain identifiers: female, caregivers, first-born children (I’ve hit the trifecta!). And it’s a lifelong education. But I’d rather try and fail a few times along the way than end up swallowing myself whole in the end.
Honesty is the very least we owe ourselves.
(Also, when I re-read the title for this Substack, I noticed its sexual connotation, ha! But I’m leaving it because while it’s a topic for a different day, the bedroom is a great place to please yourself first! Just saying.)
More Required Reading for Reformed People Pleasers
UNTAMED by Glennon Doyle. I re-read this one every year or so. Glennon’s take on this whole pleasing issue: “Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” Brilliant.
THE MANY LIVES OF MAMA LOVE by Lara Love Hardin. When I moderated a conversation with Lara at Politics & Prose back in August, I thought, “I’m an author who wrote about taking care of everyone in my life. What do I have in common with a mother who went to prison for theft and drug use? She’s lived my worst nightmare! She disappointed everyone!”
The answer to that question: A LOT.
Reading Lara’s book I realized how essential self-forgiveness is to owning our mistakes, moving forward, and identifying the path to integrity. I’m so proud of Lara for sharing this story with the world, and I am beyond thrilled that Oprah has selected it as her current book club selection.
This was so good! I'm trying to do a values check before answering yes. If the ask doesn't feel aligned to what's important to me, it's okay for me to say no.
I think alot of us who identify as female, mothers, caregivers, daughters, helpers can identify with this "people pleasing" nature we seem to share. It is so hard to say "no". I have taken the "Let me think about it" approach for awhile and it works for a time. I need time to think through decisions and weight the pros and cons even in simple decision making but as I have gotten older I feel confident saying, "I need time to think". You are teaching your children to do the same. Hopefully, they will come to terms with saying no earlier.