This is My Out-of-Office Reply
Setting boundaries for a creative season of life and why I won't be texting you back (at least not right away)
Last week I made a list of all the commitments in my life. Lists being my preeminent solution to making sense of the world, I thought it might be helpful to know exactly how many things I’m doing with my time and evaluate which of those things are aligned with my truest goals and priorities.
If you couldn’t tell from my last post, I’m experiencing a bit of mourning for summer. It’s not so much that I want it to be summer forever or that I’d like to be permanently transplanted to Maine (well, maybe), it’s that I feel a strong and desperate inclination to protect the gifts of our time away: privacy, a slower pace, nature, family time. The combination of those gifts sparked such fertile and creative energy, allowing me to write with more ease, spontaneity, and joy than I’d experienced in a long while. Who on earth would want to give that up?
From the moment we arrived home, real life came knocking. It arrived in the form of houseguests, back-to-school season, work craziness, social commitments, a chili pepper-induced trip to the ER, and a nasty stomach bug that led to full-blown gastritis (learning to live life without coffee and alcohol has been the ultimate test in practicing NO). It has not, as you might imagine, been conducive to much quiet.
In fact, I’ve never been so tempted to throw my phone out the window. Or, at the very least, downgrade to a flip phone (people are doing it; you can read about it here). As much as I love humans, as deceiving as I pull off the persona of an extrovert, I don’t want to be available all the time. I don’t understand why anyone would.
When life feels like a hailstorm pelting small boulders at you, it’s generally a sign that it’s time for a reset. So I made my list and started ruthlessly crossing things off. Everything nonessential had to go. If it didn’t spark joy, pay the bills, or creatively feed my soul, buh-bye.
Those “no’s” were uncomfortable to deliver at first. I felt like I was offending the universe simply by exercising my will. But as I’ve continued to voice them in various forms (“I can’t make that promise to you right now,” “My plate is full,” “I’ll check back with you if that becomes possible for me”), I’ve been comforted by the reminder that boundaries aren’t about anyone else. Likewise, enforcing them is not a signal of dislike or disrespect. It’s a signal I love and respect myself.
I consider these boundaries part of the readying process as I launch into a season of writing. A little housekeeping, if you will, to prepare myself for self-imposed hibernation. And isn’t it interesting how much unlearning is involved?
For example, take a look at the following problems:
My phone.
Unlearn: Responding to non-urgent texts right away.
Learn: Working with the phone in the other room OR putting it on airplane mode.
Social engagements.
Unlearn: Saying yes right away.
Learn: Block off non-negotiable writing time on the calendar. Saying yes only after deciding it’s something I really want to do.
Balancing multiple jobs.
Unlearn: Toggling back and forth between my day job and my writing work. Usually this leads to a split in my focus that makes me less productive at both.
Learn: Time my work with a stopwatch or Clockify (an app that tracks time across different projects). I’ve discovered I’m less likely to toggle if the timer is holding me accountable to one duty.
Parenting.
Unlearn: Texting while “listening” to my kids (they’ve long been aware that multitasking and listening are mutually exclusive; the other day Rosie was legitimately alarmed by the number of texts that came through in the one minute they were holding my phone. “Mom! Be more like Dad. He never answers his phone!” Ha.)
Learn: Treat parenting like the joy it is. This means momentarily severing myself from all work (creative and otherwise) because if my face is looking at a screen, I miss the point of it. Two options: 1) Leave the screens in another room. 2) Say, “I need xx minutes to finish this project. Then I’m excited to give you my full attention.”
But when it comes to setting boundaries, finding solutions is not so hard. It’s communicating them to the people in our lives that’s tricky. It goes back to heuristics: the initial observations we make about other people inform the expectations by which we learn to hold them. They serve as our barometer for what’s allowable or non-allowable in a relationship.
If people come to know you as a prompt communicator, a drop-everything-and-offer-attention kind of person, it can cause tension when you suddenly decide to rewrite the script. That’s OK, however, as long as you remind yourself that boundaries are only personal because they’re about you - no one else. And good news (not to mention your weekly reminder from me): the brain is changeable! Which means that if your boundaries change, the people in your life are capable of adjusting their expectations for you, too.
Ultimately, readying one’s self for a new season comes down to trust: trusting yourself to know what you need. And trusting others to respond in kind.
Content to Set the Tone for a Creative Season
How does creativity work? If you’ve ever wondered what creativity is or the neuroscience behind it, the Huberman lab has you covered. Perhaps you’ve noticed that your best ideas come to you in the shower or when you’re lying in savasana at the end of yoga class. Perhaps you’ve wondered how to encourage those creatively fertile moments for yourself so that you can experience them more often. In this episode, Huberman explains the processes of divergent and convergent thinking - two components of creativity we can nurture through simple, everyday habits.
Need a reminder to keep going? Last week I printed out
’s essay shared by the . This essay is gold for writers who engage in self-sabotage or generally feel stuck. Read it. It will change your day and hopefully your brain. And P.S., Chelsea has a new book out called Madwoman, and I’ve been dying to crack the spine since it came out last week. If you get there before me, please don’t gloat! And definitely no spoilers!
For every parent that skipped this year’s back-to-school picnic: I see you. I am you. I can’t do the small talk anymore because if I do, it will come out sounding like this. Who knows? Maybe next year!
This Week’s (Optional) Homework:
Take a cue from my husband’s favorite t-shirt (and unofficial life mantra). His shirt’s been washed roughly 500 times because that’s how committed he is to the message (and his limited wardrobe).
That thing you’ve been asked to do that you’re considering resigning yourself to? Just say no.
Great advice for giving yourself the permission slip to say no to things that are weighing you down. Sometimes I think life does this for us. This summer I applied for an assistant principal position and didn’t get it, but it springboard me into carving out serious time for working on my novel. I was bummed at the time, but now I’ve realized it’s given me extra time and that time is a gift. I’m not going to squander it doing unnecessary extras. Time to enjoy life too.
I’ve started to cross off anything that feels too much right now as well.