The School of Life
From grown men acting like babies to life lessons that require a refresher, why we live in a void of emotional intelligence, and some inspiration to help us get smarter about ourselves.
Boy, if we needed a temperature check on our nation’s emotional health, we certainly got it last night in the form of the spectacular online fallout between Trump and his former advisor, Elon Musk.
I won’t insult children (who seem to be more even-keeled than the adults lately) by comparing their insult-laden back-and-forth to that of a playground spar. But I will call it out for what it is: the word vomit of two emotionally stunted, hopelessly needy personalities who share the pathological core belief that they are unlovable.
Whether the whole exchange was simply another manufactured drama to keep Americans from calling out the plethora of real crises they’ve trigged across the world (I invite you to read ProPublica’s excellent reporting on the catastrophic impact of DOGE’s USAID cuts), or whether they truly can’t stand each other’s guts any longer, the deranged ping-pong match between two grown men certainly illustrated the critical role of emotional intelligence to a functioning society.
This week, I’ve started my mornings by dipping into a book I recently shared with you: Alain de Botton’s The School of Life. De Botton argues that we live in a society that values technical and intellectual knowledge far more than emotional intelligence. Our schools and institutions are designed to preserve and pass on knowledge from one generation to the next, but we have few mechanisms in place to propel emotional intelligence. As a genre, self-help books are commonly eschewed, yet many of us suffer from (and perpetuate) generational traumas we have not unlearned.
It’s an interesting paradox.
Living in a society composed of both individuals who have made minimal efforts toward emotional intelligence (ahem, example above), as well as those who are deeply committed to the work through therapy and self-reflection, makes for interesting times. The average American citizen could be forgiven for feeling as if we’re being punished for others’ emotional deficits.
That’s why understanding ourselves may be the most important education of all.
But before we get down too hard on the emotionally clueless, it’s humbling to recognize that even highly self-aware folks require refreshers. Emotional intelligence, unlike the ABCs or our multiplication facts, is never as sticky as we’d wish. For example, we may recognize our habit of overcommitting ourselves, but still raise a hand the next time our kid’s school asks for volunteers. More often than not, we have to repeatedly hit the bottom of our personal barrel before a life lesson becomes integrated into our neurocircuitry. Even then, it’s likely to slip over time.
Life is, by nature, an endless and exhausting work in progress, a real-life game of Chutes & Ladders. Along the way, we get smarter, then inevitably, dumber. We begin again. And along the way, we scavenge for inspiration.
This week, I was especially moved by Lulu Garcia-Navarro’s interview with Miley Cyrus, and specifically, Miley’s thoughts on learning to mother herself. They were so thoughtful, so preternaturally wise from someone not yet a mother herself, that I immediately ran downstairs and reflected them to my daughter. It’s a message I plan to deliver on repeat to both my kiddos.
Also wise is this snippet between Kelly Corrigan and actor/advocate for emotional intelligence, Rainn Wilson. As someone whose imagination has been working overtime in the negative, I relished this reminder.
And on the topic of self-knowledge and growth, I have three nonfiction book recommendations by authors I admire. These are women who have navigated difficult learning in front of others and who relentlessly squash shame through their bold truth-telling.
Fired Up by Shannon Watts (June 17): I first learned Shannon’s name after the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary, which prompted her to found Moms Demand Action. Many years later, I had a fangirl moment when she followed me on Twitter (admittedly, I’d thrown myself into the fray after Scott Baio’s wife-yes, Charles in Charge-had the gall to attack a Sandy Hook parent). I’ve followed her career ever since and appreciated Watts’ swift and fearless leadership last summer in supporting Kamala Harris. She is a model for stepping up, speaking her mind, and embracing leadership.
Loveable: A Memoir by Amber Rae (August 12): What happens when you lock eyes with a stranger across the room and realize instantly you’re in the wrong relationship? As liberating as self-knowledge is, it often bears great inconvenience and personal cost. Sometimes it even upends one’s life. I met Amber a bajillion years ago when she was writing her first book, Choose Wonder Over Worry, and I’m awed by her courage to share this deeply personal story of growth and change.
Proof of Life by Jennifer Pastiloff (July 8): Not only is Jen one of the wisest, most open-hearted celebrators of life I’ve ever met, she’s also one of the most honest. Her Instagram is a safe haven for those of us who need a compassionate sounding board in life. It’s never too late to get started. I got you. The school of whatever works. Whatever you’re facing in life, Jen has co-signed on the permission slip you need to live your biggest, fullest, most emotionally honest life.
Please consider supporting the work of these women by pre-ordering their books, all of which make for guaranteed empowering summer reading.
And, lastly, a final quote by Alain de Botton. This one’s for anyone who feels stagnant, challenged, or hardly up to the task of adulting,
“We aren’t ever done with the odd business of becoming that most extraordinary and prized of things, an emotionally mature person—or, to put in a simpler way, an almost grown-up adult.”
These books sound amazing. I think our children's generations are more open to their emotions as well as acceptance that there are many ways to BE a human being!