Lifelong Learning with Rebekah Laur'en

Lessons from a rising R&B superstar in overcoming perfectionism, elevating play in our work, and betting on ourselves today

For reasons that will make sense momentarily, I must quickly riff on an issue that has become my biggest pet peeve: underestimating teachers.

On this point, one that is both personal and deeply infuriating, I don’t mind being a broken record. I’m that tired of watching teachers be talked down to, belittled, pigeonholed, and disenfranchised by the very institutions that rely on their professional expertise.

It hurts schools. It hurts kids. It limits the imagination. And it reeks of ignorance.

I bring this up as I consider the incredible caliber of people I’ve had the opportunity to know as a result of working in a school building. Teachers are never just one thing. Over the years I’ve worked with educators who are also athletes, scientists, entrepreneurs, musicians, artists, performers, etc. Outside of the classroom, these folks have constructed big worlds for themselves - worlds that enrich their impact as teachers, showing kids that we can always be more than one thing: that we’re meant to live expansive lives.

Enter Rebekah Laur’en. I first met Rebekah as she was known to my students: “Ms. Banks.” A serene but deeply popular presence in our school building, Rebekah and I crossed paths many times before eventually meeting as dynamic individuals. I am a writer. She is a musician. Teaching is integral to who we are, and so is the act of creating.

When I began the Lifelong Learning series, I knew I had to talk to Rebekah. An acclaimed R&B artist from here in D.C., Rebekah’s career is on fire. In the past year, she has performed at the Kennedy Center, written, produced, and composed a sophomore album (Late Summer Nights), and released a gorgeous new video for her single, Used To.

From Rebekah, I was dying to know, how do you strike a balance between making a life and pursuing a passion? When is the moment to make the bold choice to bet on our creativity?

I know she’d have smart things to say; I didn’t anticipate the full-body goose-pimples of inspiration I walked away with. I am so excited to share this conversation with you.

---

I was very inspired by a conversation that we had two years ago while I was cutting papers in the teachers’ lounge. We talked about being a creative in the world, but also having to pay the bills, and how frustrating it can feel not to express our full selves at work. I left that conversation struck by how amazing you are and wanting to get to know you better. And then I started listening to your music and had the privilege of getting to see you perform at the Kennedy Center. I’m eager to talk about your journey to getting to that place and the lessons you've learned. Did you always consider yourself a musician?

I did since I was little, actually. My mom says even before I could walk or talk, it's always been music. She remembers my head bopping when I was little to music. So, yeah, it has been in me forever. That's all I've ever done.

Did you have any point where you felt like it was an unattainable dream? Perhaps you looked around and thought, “Okay, as a kid, I can do this, but is this going to be something that I can carry with me into adulthood?”

As a kid, I was unstoppable and very stubborn. You couldn't tell me I couldn't do anything. My mom and my stepdad said, “What are you good at? Whatever you're good at, be the best at it. But also have fun.” Their whole thing was about loving what you do in life. So, I was very encouraged in my home to go after it. But it didn't really come into a reality for my family until I was maybe 16, and my mom actually heard me sing at an event, and she said, “Oh, this can really be something.”

At 16, were you already on a path to having great music teachers? What kind of music were you into?

I grew up in church. My mom was a minister, and I was always in the praise and worship team, so I was always singing, but it wasn’t until I was 16 that I had my first voice lesson. My mom found this lady, and after the first lesson, she was like, “You're actually opera.” So, I moved in the direction of opera, and I won my first competition after two months of voice lessons. And that’s when it became serious.

One thing I'm curious about is the shift from play to work as we move from childhood to adulthood. As we get older and decide to pursue something professionally that we hope to make money at, maintaining the play element of it is so hard. How have you done that?

I have learned overthinking is my enemy. I'm a terrible perfectionist. For me, when the music starts to feel like work, that's when I know that my creativity is not at work. That’s me pushing myself and doing too much, which means I probably need to step away and come back to it. You have to balance, “This is what I love doing,” versus, “It has to sound like this.” For me, I started to learn how to enjoy the process of creating and taking my time in that process while still being diligent, using my skills, and being a professional. But I still feel like a kid at play because I’m using my imagination at the same time. You're making something come to life that you just envisioned in your head, and that's the play of it all. But sometimes you have to stop and remind yourself, “It's supposed to be fun.”

I relate to this so much. I struggle with this all the time. Do you have a mode where you're like, “Okay, I just know I need to walk away from this until I'm back in a place where my creative brain is operating again”?

My creativity is funny. If I'm doing too much, I get frustrated and nobody wants to talk to me, and my partner will be like, “Okay, you need to take a break.” Usually, it’s because I’m being obsessive about something. It'll be one little thing that I can't get past - the vocal line or something that's in the instrumental. And I'm like, “It’s just something about that part.” And 90% of the time, there's nothing wrong with that part, but I need to step back. I’ve learned when I am doing too much, or if I start to feel exhausted by it, it’s okay to take a break and walk away and come back to it with fresh ears and a fresh feeling. For me, I will take time out and meditate, or I'll go for a walk, or attend to other duties until I can approach it with a fresh mind.

As a perfectionist, that's especially hard, too, because it sounds like you've discovered that the joy of creating lies in the process and not the outcome. But perfectionists are so oriented to the outcome. How have you been able to integrate that?

It's a lot of patience, especially patience with self. I went to Westminster Choir College in New Jersey, where they're very much about the excellence of music, but it's not driven by perfectionism. It's driven by the creative process. There were times when my professors would remind me of the KISS effect. Keep it simple, stupid. They were like, “You're making this harder than it is. Just keep it simple.” A lot of times when I'm feeling like it's overwhelming or hard, I return to simplicity. It’s a process of backing up and being in tune with myself, but it's also spiritual. I create through a spiritual lens, so it's not supposed to feel forced. It's supposed to feel as if I am actually in tune with the energies around me or what I'm trying to convey or communicate. And if I feel like I'm trying to push that message too much, then I’m out of alignment. I've done a lot of meditating. I've done a lot of learning about myself and who I am.

Do you try to stick to a schedule of sitting down and songwriting and playing? You can't just wait to be seized by inspiration, right? How do you carve this time for yourself?

My time used to be nighttime, but then that wasn’t realistic, because sometimes I’d have to get up and work at, like, 4:00AM. Now I'm in a space where I have been able to create my schedule. So for me, even when my schedule is tight, I make sure to carve in at least an hour for my journaling. I always meditate first, and then I'll go exercise. But in my meditation, I allow myself 30 minutes to just sit and write out my thoughts from the day before or whatever feelings I woke up with. And in that expression of myself, there's always something that comes to me musically. So, I'll write a note, I'll hum it on my phone, and then I'll create a time for myself to go downstairs and work just a little bit. Just to get the feel of what I felt creatively. I have learned to discipline my creativity because there are times when I don't have inspiration, but I will still push through. It's the discipline of the craft. I have enough experience to know I can push to a certain limit, but at the same time, I can't push too much. It’s a lot of balancing, and feeling out what works for you and what doesn't.

You have an album that came out this year (Late Summer Nights). What did you learn from yourself over the course of that project?

I learned that I can do a lot more than what I realized. There was a lot of balancing with that project. The project was funded by me. The project was entirely produced by me. And there was a lot of pressure as a result. The only thing I didn't do was mix the project itself (engineer the sound). But everything else was me, so it was about learning patience and how to celebrate my progress, and accepting it doesn't have to be perfect. You're in a space where you actually have control over the project, so there's no need to pressure yourself into it. It’s meant to be an expression of you at the moment. So, for me, it was learning how to appreciate the process and the progress of how far I've come. And I will be honest: this is by far the best project I've created so far. I'm very proud of it, in part because it taught me to trust myself. I'm happy with how it turned out.

You did not come out of the womb as a fully formed musician with your own production company and self-produced album. What were some of the things that you had to do to get to this place?

Not being afraid to put yourself out there, even when you are scared. A lot of us creatives get stuck in our basements, making our work and then keeping it to ourselves. But the creativity is a gift. It's not supposed to be for you. It's for everybody else. For me, I was tired of holding on to this and just keeping it to myself. I needed to get out and meet other creatives. We don't realize how powerful it is to get into a network of people. When I first moved back home from college, I started going to open mics and meeting other talented musicians, and they started inviting me (to collaborate). Before I knew it, I was performing all throughout the DMV. Then I was performing in New Jersey, and other states. But it all has been through a network of connecting with other artists, and even artists that are not technically in the scope of music, but poets and writers. It's been very interesting, the type of network of people that I've connected with. I've also worked a lot of different jobs.

Talk about some of those different jobs.

One of my jobs was working at Lord & Taylor as a sales associate. That was fun; discounts were fun. I met a lot of interesting people, and when they found out I did music, they were like, “Oh, you got a vision.” A lot of people clicked with me because I'm also authentically myself. I don't hide who I am, and I will say that's a big thing: to be authentically yourself. There was a time when I did try to hide who I was, but I learned the more I opened up and just became who I am, the more people actually started to gravitate to me.

Aside from that job, I ended up working at an assisted living facility. I was a life enrichment director, running activities for older people, and they loved me. The connections I made there with their families and other staff were awesome. And then I got into working with kids. I started teaching music, and then, during the pandemic, I began working in learning pods. In DC, there was a time when people were organizing pods for kids who needed in-person learning. And from the pods, I got to DC Public Schools, so it's been an interesting, unexpected journey.

I'm so impressed anytime somebody makes anything. I just feel so glad that they endeavored; that they dared to sit down and borrow that time from themselves and invest in it. Stand-up comedians, for example. The bravest freaking job in the world, you know? As a writer, I can be like, “Well, if people hate my book. I don't have to look at the reviews, right?” I can have some distance from it, but being on stage and having people actively consuming what you've made is a big deal. How have you handled that?

I grew up in a church, so I was always taught that everything that we do is ministry. So, I’ve always viewed performing as a state of ministry. Now that I'm no longer in the church - I am actually a Buddhist now - but the whole point of it is still that we are to share our love and light with others. The fact that we have the power to shift the room with our energy and shift people's mindsets - that's very powerful. For me, it's opening my heart and sharing it with other people in a space. That's what I've always wanted to do. Maybe that's why it doesn't bother me to go out here and just get in front of people and share it. I was taught by my mother and grandmother that everybody's not gonna like you, but everybody's not gonna hate you either. It's a risk everywhere we go, but I learned a long time ago I can do something I absolutely hate and people are still gonna talk about me. So, I might as well go after what I love. When I go on stage, it's about the people I'm singing to. It's not about me. I'm just a messenger that creativity is moving through at that moment. It's about the audience.

That's very powerful. What are you working on now and what are you learning from it?

I'm working on a lot. I can't share the details yet, but I’m collaborating with some amazing musicians in Europe. It's been very eye-opening because I'm learning so much right now in the sense of reaching a certain level with my own creativity and then sharing a room with other people who I admire. There’s something great about realizing, “I don't know as much as I thought I knew.” I'm actually a student all over again, and I'm learning so much. And that's exciting because you realize there's so much more growth to make. This is just the beginning. I can't say everything, but you guys will see something towards the end of the year and into the beginning of next year.

It’s exciting to hear that the journey is taking you in some new directions. Maybe ones that didn't anticipate either.

I had no idea. You’ve just got to trust and let go and let the flow take you where it takes you. For me, leaving my job in education was a big risk. But there is a time when you have to make a choice. And when we let go of one thing, something else really does take its place. For me, the biggest thing was fear. I had to let go of the “what ifs.” You can always go back to a nine-to-five, but you can't go back to your dreams. The biggest realization was: if you're going to do it, do it. And I always tell people, "Believe me. You won't regret going after what you want because I was surprised by the things that came. You just have to keep going and keep pushing.”

You have to be somebody who's pretty committed to growth. Through this Substack, I'm so interested in helping people see that it’s possible to end up with a life that is not what you expected, but maybe better than the one you anticipated for yourself because you learned to trust yourself along the way instead of being satisfied with something that didn't fulfill you.

I'm one of those people who, if I'm not doing what I know I'm supposed to be doing, I'm not happy. Too many people put their happiness on the back burner and don't realize until later that's what turns into regrets. I learned something from working with older generations at the assisted living facility. The main thing I heard from a lot of them was regret. They’d say, “Do not sit around thinking about it. Just do it. Because you'll never know what happens if you don't do it.”

As you talk about growth and evolving, I remember that was one of the things that I realized about you. I was like, “Man, she's dope, You were this teacher who had this dream position that a lot of people would hope to get to in education. You’d been doing it for a long time. But then when I saw you made a choice to go after what you went after, that was very motivating to me. I don't even think you know that. And I was like, “Man, see. That's the key.”

We’re inspiring each other back and forth here. I feel so energized by this conversation. It's still scary realizing I walked away from something that paid my bills, and now I've got to trust that there's something better aligned for me. I just read the most amazing book called Essentialism. It's about becoming laser focused on making your biggest contribution to the planet. As somebody who gets very easily excited by lots of different things, I can sometimes end up expending energy in directions that don't fulfill me or feed me back. I’m learning you have to be so intentional, and you’re built like that, Rebekah. You've already mastered the kind of discipline to realize, “This is my greatest contribution. All my efforts need to go in this direction.”

It's funny you're saying that, though, because I've gotten to this point recently, through so much trial and error. In my early and mid-twenties, I wasted so much time doing stupid stuff, and I was so distracted. My mom sat me down one day and said, “You're distracted. You're not on your path.” And I'm thankful because I had that parent. But at times, when she wasn't there to do that, I could see I wasn't on my path because I wasn't happy. I wasn't living (the vision) I saw for myself. Once I took my focus off of all the stuff I was distracted by and worrying about, suddenly that's when things started to align. My advice for others is to stay focused. If you just focus on that one thing that you're after, everything works itself out. I tried that for about six months, and I observed how things began to shift dramatically.

This is just the greatest conversation. I’m walking away with so much brilliance. And the advice of the older people you once worked with. Their words are in my ears, as well.

Life comes and goes so quickly, and that's the main thing they all reminded me of. They were like, “You're 25 now, but before you know it, you're going to be 65, and you're not going to have done what you wanted if you keep wasting your time in this place.” They used to tell me all the time, and they'd say, “You're not supposed to be here.” When people around you see it, and they're telling you those lessons, you have to say, “Oh, man, okay. You're right.” And when you start to heed it, things change. Something locks in. So don't waste any time. Just go after it. Don't overthink it. There's no better time.

You can learn more about Rebekah Laur’en, her music, and her events schedule at her website, or follow her on social media.