Is Your Memoir Publish-able?

Revisiting the 10 tips I wish I'd known before writing memoir (including why the world doesn't want your trauma porn and how to write about family)

One of my very first Substack posts was the top 10 lessons I’ve learned about writing memoir. Not only is memoir the number one topic I’m asked about by fellow writers, but it’s an evergreen conversation — one worth returning to.

It’s also at the top of mind after falling out of my chair at The Onion article below (I mean, so good, right?).

This week, I’m resharing my tips, with a few revisions.

Why?

Because writing a memoir is very hard. If you’re out there bleeding and sweating onto those pages every day, you probably want your best chance at selling the damn thing and getting into bookstores. And I don’t blame you.

In fact, I was right there with you.

I’ve never had a goal I wanted more than publishing LOVE YOU HARD. I felt so strongly that the world needed a love story that shattered fairytale illusions and upheld the beautiful, difficult reality of long-term partnership that I would have done anything to make it happen.

But as a new author, I had much to learn about publishing and many mistakes to make first. I’m sharing them with you today with the hope that they’ll offer you a fresh set of eyes with which to evaluate your manuscript.

So, here we go.

Tip #1: Read a lot of memoir.

Do it for pleasure, of course, because nothing is half as interesting as someone’s real life (at least IMO), but also to understand how writers do it. Choose a few that match the vibe of what you’re working to create and take note: How many pages? (Many agents will tell you to aim for 80-90k words). Is the storytelling in past or present tense? (Both have their merits! Present tense is great for sustaining tension, but makes it hard to convey lessons that were learned retrospectively). Who is the editor? Which authors blurbed the book? This info will be helpful later on as you’re thinking about comps and positioning it in the publishing marketplace.

Tip #2: Pace yourself for the long game.

Memoir is not easy to sell. My agent once described it this way: Not only do successful memoirists need a compelling story, but they also need the writing chops/voice to deliver it to readers. If you’re famous, maybe you can get away with only the first. But if you’re a non-famous, random human like me, you really must possess both to stand out among the crowd. And, as I’ve learned, it’s a big crowd. Cancer, divorce, childhood trauma, mental illness — you name it, someone has written about it. How are you going to do it in a way that makes readers hungry to turn the page?

Tip #3: Write your jacket copy first.

Open up the book jacket of your favorite memoir and read it several times. You’ll see what an enormous task it really is: condensing the ebbs, flows, highs, and lows of someone’s life story into 5-8 sentences. But it’s excellent practice in answering the question, WHAT KIND OF STORY AM I WRITING? In this genre, it’s tempting to tell everything, all the juicy, true-life anecdotes you’ve been tucking away for a rainy day, but that’s not what memoir is. Readers don’t want the 1,008-page tome that was Bill Clinton’s autobiography, MY LIFE, unless they’re reading about the actual Bill Clinton (and maybe not even then). They want a digestible narrative held together by discernible connective tissue.

Tip #4: Define the connective tissue.

In workshops I lead, I also refer to this as the universal thread: those AH-HA lessons or nuggets of wisdom that all humans can relate to, no matter their individual circumstances. Think about connective tissue as both internal and external. Internal connective tissue is thematic: “learning to live with uncertainty,” “reinventing one’s identity after trauma,” or “becoming the heroine of your own life.” It’s connected to the author’s internal character arc. However, a memoir also needs external connective tissue: a precipitating event or grounding experience. Defining both will allow you to understand the “container” of your memoir. No need to spill ink on old crushes and what kind of student you were in the fourth grade. Every example, every detail in a memoir should be tethered to its connective tissue.

Tip #5: Experiment with structure and form.

Truth: There are many ways to write a compelling memoir! I wish I’d explored more memoirs outside of the traditional narrative form before writing my own, but I honestly didn’t know I was allowed to color outside the lines. There are memoirs in essays, poetry, alternating timelines, reverse chronological time order, etc. Here are a few I loved and highly recommend.

Tip #6: Offer specifics (and minimize the navel-gazing)

Yes, we are fascinating creatures. Yes, our very existence is a miracle worth pondering. But do our readers need page after page of detailed self-analysis? No. In fact, this is where memoirists need to take a page from fiction writers and respect the rule of show don’t tell. It’s as important to create the world around you — the secondary characters, the conflict — as it is to highlight your interiority. Some of the most memorable memoirs are the ones in which the author’s unusual world is established so clearly that we can imagine ourselves inside it (think about Jeannette Walls’ memoir, THE GLASS CASTLE). So, please mention the green shag carpet in your Aunt Bertha’s living room and the way your mother always oversalted the meatloaf. Those magical insights reveal a lot about the people in your life and the world you occupy.

Tip #7: The world doesn’t want your trauma porn.

The point of a memoir is not to share all the bad, terrible things that happened to us. For that, there’s therapy. In memoir, we must resist the urge to sensationalize our lives, or risk scaring the reader away. Memoirists navigate a tricky paradox: decentering ourselves in a story that is literally all about us! Often, this requires leaving things out. We’ll get into why next, but for now, remember that you don’t owe your readers every mortifying, shocking detail of your existence. You only owe them what you’re comfortable providing. And, ultimately, it must tie back to the connective tissue.

Tip #8: Relationships > Book Sales

Probably the most common question I’ve been asked by potential memoirists is how to write about the real people in your life. The answer is highly individual and so very dependent on the experiences you’re trying to convey in your narrative. Although I believe it’s always fair to say your truth (after all, this is YOUR story), it’s important to remember that no book will ever be as important as the people you love. Be selective. Be sensitive. Communicate your intentions. I’m not sure I’d want to be a character in someone else’s book, so I appreciate the perspectives of those who may not want to be characters in mine.

Tip #9: Get truthier

To borrow a popular analogy, your writing is like an onion. Each sentence you craft will reveal something new to yourself. I can’t count the number of times I found myself writing a sentence that I believed to be the truest representation of my feelings, only to revise it later after considering, “What is the truth behind this truth?” You’ll know you’ve hit it, that piece of critical insight or wisdom, when you feel an ache in your chest. That’s the sensation of learning something new about yourself — something hard, transformational, and honest. Keep peeling back those layers.

Tip #10: Don’t forget to live your life

A year into my relationship with my literary agent, I called and said, “I don’t think I can write this book.” I was writing a book about love and reinvention, but at that moment, my marriage was in a bad place, and I wasn’t sure I could deliver the happy ending I believed publishers wanted. What she told me freed me in that moment, and continues to liberate me today. “Abby, go live your life. Come back to me when you’re ready.” And I did. I spent two years rebuilding my marriage, tending to my family, healing myself, and when I was ready, I went back to my proposal with a whole new level of clarity. Memoir can be a wonderful gift to the world, but you owe it to yourself to live your life first and to grant yourself the gift of time. Some chapters of life require your full presence and attention. Others require reflection. Decide what chapter you’re in and honor that.