Girl on a Train
Otherwise known as "8 hours on Amtrak to defeat my ADHD and outline a novel," OR "Distractions are my psychological crutch"
This week’s post comes to you courtesy of Amtrak.
Last Friday, I got on the train. Not just any train, but a train that would take me as far up the East Coast as I could reasonably travel in one day: DC to Boston. It was an 8-hour trip, after which I had dinner with a dear friend, caught a little sleep, had breakfast with another dear friend, and then headed back home.
Why?
Because I needed to get shit done. And attention is a problem.
I’m an easily distractible human, which makes it very hard to be a writer sometimes (always). Perhaps this sounds familiar: I sit down at my computer with my document open when I receive a text. I open the text which involves a question about future plans. Now I am thinking about next week and what I’ll wear to these supposed plans, and now, suddenly, the internet is open and there are three emails waiting for my response, and I have completely lost track of whatever thread of attention was dedicated to my writing. It’s a purgatory loop of distraction and I have thrown more spaghetti at the wall trying to defeat it than I’ll attempt to account for here.
But the biggest culprit lies buried beneath those distractions. That culprit is (cue Taylor Swift) me. I’m the problem you see. But we’ll get to that in a moment.
Firstly, why the train? Historically, I’ve had great success on the Amtrak quiet car. I love the large seats, the electrical outlets, and the patchy internet service that prevents superfluous rabbit-hole web searches (as my friend Alyson likes to say after binging the web, “I read the whole internet last night”). And because I’m a nervous flyer, I require a mode of transportation that doesn’t send my central nervous system into distress. We each have our own idea of heaven and Amtrak is mine. At least from a work perspective.
Still, 8 hours seemed like a loooong time to sit and focus. I worried it would be an impossible amount of time to keep my butt glued to a chair, but when I arrived at South Station, I actually wished for another hour or two to keep working (maybe Nova Scotia should be my next destination!).
During those 8 hours, I accomplished a fair amount. I re-read Saves the Cat! Writes a Novel (an essential craft book). I established a beat sheet. I sketched out character arcs. And I sat and thought. A LOT. For me, making decisions about a story (characters, plot, motivations) is the hardest part of writing fiction.
OK, let’s be real. There’s a lot that’s hard about writing a book and a good 70% of it is psychological. Without diminishing the very real distractions that exist in our modern world (which are innumerable and didn’t exist for the classic authors we grew up reading), it’s fair to say that our self-beliefs have an even stronger influence over our writing lives.
As a lifelong procrastinator (deadlines are the only reason I have a first book), a potential candidate for ADHD (here’s to the elementary school teachers out there!), and someone who requires equal socialization to offset the isolation of writing, I can always find a reason not to write. I’d love nothing more than to attribute this to a specific diagnosis or a conglomeration of external factors, but I think I’d be letting myself off the hook too easily.
The underlying reason I don’t write when I say I want to be writing is that I’m afraid I can’t. I type this sentiment as I write, which goes to show how devious and self-sabotaging our self-beliefs can be. But it’s true. If I never make it to the chair, I don’t have to find out whether I can pull off this feat. I can just keep checking off all the proximal items on my long list of distractions.
For too many writers, this is where the dream and efforts end. We can’t get past the fear of falling down, of trying and failing, or being humbled, so we legitimize our distractions instead. And this is a real shame. When I think about the books that have changed my life (The Choice by Edith Eger, Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini), I shudder at the notion that they might not exist if their authors hadn’t overcome the largest hurdle of all: sitting down and trying.
I hope that idea gives you as much pause as it gives me. My struggles as a writer are hardly unique, but I’m grateful for my time on the train for reminding me of this essential truth:
There’s no way around it: the only way to write something is to sit down and write it. Everyone says this and, still, we go about sniffing for an easier solution, hoping there’s another way, or immersing ourselves in endless preparation. But there’s not. All you can do it check in with your heart, decide how badly you want your art to exist in the world, and then go make it.
I may not have needed Amtrak to remember what’s always been true, but the quiet, forward motion of the train was certainly a helpful tool. It mirrored a quite popular trope in fiction - being locked in a room with one’s antagonist. In my case, it was me versus me, hashing it out at opposite ends of the imaginary conference table. No way to escape. No place to hide. Just 8 hours of creative reckoning.
And I can’t wait to do it again.
Here’s what I’m celebrating this week…
LOVE YOU HARD’s book birthday! I can hardly believe this book has been in the world for five years now, and I continue to be flush with gratitude for those of you who have read it and shared it with others. Most importantly, I’m grateful to those who have entrusted me with their own stories of brain injury, caregiving, reinvention, and grief. I couldn’t have imagined a book would lead to such profound connections with others.
Welcome to the world, CONSCIOUS GRIEVING! I first met Claire and her family atop Rome’s Villa Borghese. We shared mutual author acquaintances but hadn’t read each other’s work. After our incredible evening together, I went home and devoured Claire’s memoir, THE RULES OF INHERITANCE, in which she shares the journey of losing both parents at a young age. Claire is a renowned grief therapist and her latest book, CONSCIOUS GRIEVING, was released on Tuesday. She’ll be visiting us here in D.C. on Sunday, 3/24 at East City Books and will be touring nationally in other cities as well. Hope to see you there!
