Do Something That Scares You
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
In January I made one of my most bizarre New Year resolutions ever: get rejected five times. The goal was not intentionally masochistic (though it has served as effective exposure therapy to rejection), but one aimed at defeating my greatest enemy: perfectionism.
About a year ago I remember reading/hearing/internalizing the question, “What has your perfectionism cost you?” It was an unsettling thing to consider - the risks I’ve avoided, the writing projects I’ve abandoned, the opportunities I left hanging right in front of me. My stubborn brain insists that if I can’t do something perfectly, it’s not worth doing at all. It’s a position I might well have maintained for the remainder of my life - until I started to witness the same mindset playing out in my own kid.
And that’s when I turned to Ghandi’s famous advice: Be the change you wish to see in your child. (Or something like that).
For me, one way to override perfectionism is to show up before I’m ready (advice I credit the author Glennon Doyle). Preparing and overpreparing have long been my bread and butter, the equivalent of a baby blanket. There is a running narrative in my brain that insists on one more rehearsal, reading one more book, taking one more course before finally doing the damn thing. In this regard, my identity as a perpetual student is a double-edged sword. I love to learn. But when it comes to doing, I feel safer inside the classroom.
Last week I battled my perfectionism by doing something that scares me: reading unpublished work for an audience. I was inspired by my friends Matt and Sue, whom I met more than a year ago in an Advanced Fiction course and who became part of the regularly meeting writing group of which I’m part (a path set in motion by my decision to do something really scary: write fiction!). Matt and Sue recently launched the literary journal, Topograph. A crowded, highly enthused group of supporters gathered last week to kick off its publication and I had the honor of reading aloud a piece I hadn’t before shared.
Starting a literary journal is a perfect (ha!) example of taking on something scary and approaching it imperfectly. If Matt and Sue had waited until they were 1000000% prepared and ready, we might not have a new publication to enjoy. If Anne Frank had felt the weight of perfectionism bearing down or decided her thoughts weren’t worthy of writing, we might not know her story at all. This is the power of doing. Of getting out of your own way. Of succeeding in terrorist negotiations with your perfectionism.
When we think about doing something that scares us, often the first things that come to mind are extreme - bungee jumping, quitting a job, moving across the country, running marathons. But experience has shown me that big life changes usually result from conquering smaller, more quiet challenges, the kind that involves confronting rigid belief systems rooted in perfectionism.
Which leads us to…. your homework this week:
Do something that scares you.
Instead of biting off something major (it is Thanksgiving week, after all, and managing large swaths of family conversation is scary enough), think smaller. In what ways can you challenge your most rigid beliefs? What are you not ready for yet that you might try anyway? A few ideas:
Carving out 30 minutes to try something brand new (i.e. exercise, an online course, reflective listening with your partner, writing outside your preferred genre)
Sharing something you wrote/created with another human
Explicitly modeling imperfection for your kids (see piano example below)
And if you’re looking for some inspiration to embrace the scary, check out these:
Scare Your Soul by Scott Simon: In fall 2017, I was seated beside the most charismatic stranger at a workshop hosted by authors Liz Gilbert & Cheryl Strayed. We got to talking and it turns out we were both working on deeply personal creative projects. Scott’s work manifested itself in this powerful primer about getting out of your own way. It contains workbook elements to help you embrace courage (and you might even find my story inside!)
The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi: Although I found the title a little misleading, the overall message of this book was even broader and more important. It teaches the principles of Adler psychology through a dialogue between philosopher and student. Readers learn a new and liberating way of thinking that encourages the brain to release the limitations and expectations it places on itself.
International bestselling author Jean Kwok was recently interviewed on one of my favorite podcasts, The S**t No One Tells You About Writing. For someone who has had so much success in her career, it was surprising to hear Jean talk about how much fear she’s also had to overcome each step of the way. Her own life story is so awe-inspiring that you’ll feel motivated to ditch all your old excuses for why you can’t go after what you want and simply get to work.
So, that’s it, grasshoppers, young and seasoned: go forth and let go a little. Perfectionism will never cease to exist, but we can work to diminish its influence over us. There are too many good things waiting on the other side not to try.
Did your homework? Drop a note and share what you did.